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His Way Works!
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Hats Off To Young Husbands
The Love Doctor is back, but this time with a couple of differences.Before I get into that I would like to thank two individuals whom I deeply respect who two days apart both chided me for having stopped writing. Dr. Mtangulizi cornered me at Sweet Lorraine’s as an elder is entitled to do and Sally Ann Roberts said some very complimentary things to me and then in her own sweet way demanded for God his due. I’m being featured as Sally Ann’s “quiet hero” on WWL-TV this week (this evening, 2-23, on the 5pm news and tommorrow, 2-24 during the Morning Show.) Thank you for both Sally Ann.So I will write, but this time with two distinct differences. First, from now on my perspectives will not be limited to relationships and children. I want to share perspectives on the sometimes overlooked or undiscovered opportunities for joy and pleasure in this short life. I will not do politics or dirt.Second, I’m going completely independent, so that means that you will have to “subscribe” to get the pieces by email. Use this link to subscribe: http://www.lloyddennis.com/members/?p=subscribe. This independent approach also means that those who want their businesses to be associated with my work or communicate with my audience of conscious human beings of above average intelligence will have an opportunity to do so.This first “new” love doctor piece goes out with love to those solid young husbands, whose women haven’t learned how to respect them… yet. Hold on, it’s coming! It kind of happens when the children get grown and she hears them talk about “my daddy”, and when her single sister’s children talk about “my uncle” or when she realizes that her same age girlfriends and relatives who don’t have a man like you don’t have anyone in their life who still wants their lovin', and still treats them like it.That’s when it happens and there isn’t anything you can do or say that makes it come any faster, but be smug and smile inside because your crown is coming, but usually not until you’ve raised the kids. But don’t get me wrong, a good woman is going to be decent to and for you all along, you know her vows and everything, but you won’t get that real respect with admiration that you really want until you have won the game, grown children who respect their dad.I know its rough getting there. I know sometimes she seems unreasonable, but I’m convinced that because in a relationship women are so vulnerable to us that it is in their nature to “test” our commitment periodically with things that a man will only do because he loves a woman, not that it makes any sense. Its funny but in such situations my life, in the end she usually apologizes or really appreciates what I just put myself through… for no other reason but her.Even when admiration and respect are in place, those little tests keep coming. My latest was occasioned by nothing less than the Saints victory in the Superbowl. You see I live in Algiers, across the river from the rest of New Orleans and it is our habit to go to downtown parades by parking in Algiers, walking to the ferry, crossing the river in that way and enjoying the parade.Well even before we left for the ferry, I knew that we were about to go to a different type of parade experience, one in which everybody from 80-100 miles round the city were all going to be on the parade route. I tried to prep my Boo for a situation she or I had never experienced before. Hell, people who normally stayed in Kenner, Metairie, Gretna and Covington, never coming to New Orleans for Mardi Gras or Mardi Gras parades were actually coming to New Orleans for this Superbowl celebration parade.As we walked toward the ferry there were people walking back to their cars, saying things like “good luck” to us as they returned home to watch the festivities on TV. A few blocks of walking later, about a block from the ferry landing we witnessed something we had never seen before, never, not even around Mardi Gras when almost everyone in Algiers who was going to the parades downtown used the ferry as a shortcut. There were lines coming out the left and right ends of the ferry terminal stretching almost a city block down the levee in both directions.I looked from the lines down the levees to my Boo’s face, just knowing that the reality of the situation had sunk in to her as it did for the other folk who had wisely left the ferry terminal for the comfort and safety of television at home, but no, she had that “we still have time to make it” look of hope and expectation, and I knew we were abou to enter an uncontrollable and uncomfortable situation. So along with a lot of other people who should have known better, we entered the line, soon being moved along by the pressure of the people behind us.Things got worse when the youngsters arrived… late. Those who were obviously untrained and unmannered by caring adults began to push and shove trying to move through the tight crowd in the over packed terminal. As soon as I had words with one such pushing and shoving young brother, Boo realized that it was becoming a dangerous place to be, particularly when we all realized that there was no security or police presence to keep order and peace, and no metal detectors at the doors.We finally got on the ferry after almost being pushed over and trampled by the inconsiderate young folk behind us, and yes we actually got to the parade on time. Well the return trip was uneventful, probably because the uncouth youngsters stayed to play downtown or in the quarters, but even before we got on the ferry to go back to our car, Boo squeezed my hand looked me in the eye and apologized profusely and promised to never ask me to go through anything like that again. And like the really big dog that she knows I am, I accepted.The rest of the story is too private even for the love doctor to tell.
You’ve Lost That Loving Feeling… and here’s why!
This week dear friends of mine are contemplating ending marriage because they feel frustrated, unloved and unappreciated, as men, and I’m getting sick and tired of watching good people in good situations go down the same path and end in the same places, not because someone is bad and wants to hurt or doesn’t care about their partner, but because modern couples are completely ignorant about how to get the best from one another.
One of the downsides of the women’s movement is that it set up a competition between men and women and has infected our marriages with paranoia about being “used” on the part of women. Everything that follows only applies to people who are married. The legal construct of marriage exist to protect the interest of those who are willing to abide by the rules of fidelity in exchange for a sexual partnership and all that it produces, and it seems like men are primarily in marriage for sexual security and women for what the marriage produces, home, children, security and safety.
Don’t get me wrong, married men enjoy their children and their homes and the lifestyle, but it wasn’t their motivation for choosing a particular woman to be the one and only woman. Most men marry to have that chosen woman as lover, without worrying about aging, or illness or accidental infirmity (emotional security for a man). Many women may marry to be close to their lover, and women can enjoy sex as much as or more than a man once aroused, but for the most part women, once they have children become more focused on managing the household and nurturing the next generation, than being close to their lover.
So both partners come to marriage to satisfy their own needs, and before children, quite often the relationship stays very much as it was before the wedding, but now with guiltless, disease free and emotionally secure lovemaking, the honeymoon. Actually, once married, many men and women change almost immediately, women becoming household oriented, and men become more focused on career, as if preparing for the family that generally comes sooner or later. Neither is as much “fun” as they used to be. They are beginning to take life seriously, thinking about the future, but they still have time for one another.
Then the babies come, and all hell can break loose. Before they had children, most of the women I’ve talked to could not have imagined the changes in their body chemistry and personal priorities after the birth of their first child. In more primitive times or in societies that still practice polygamy, a new mother being overwhelmed with the nurturing instinct wasn’t an issue. Her mate would have one or more other wives with whom he could enjoy the physical intimacy of marriage, sometimes for years, while a young mother was emotionally focused on her child, but still benefiting from the support and protection of the husband she shares.
Actually, in my and previous generations (before AIDS) there was sometimes an unofficial polygamy. Once the man of the house put the bill money on the table on Friday, what he did for the rest of the weekend was his business. As in those primitive or different cultures, how many “wives” a man had depended on how many places he could afford to pay the bills. Pre World War II young mothers tended to have the emotional support and physical help of mothers, sisters and girlfriends.
During World War II women went to work and learned how to make money for themselves, and began to see themselves as more “equal” partners. They became less tolerant of their men “messing around” and began the march that led to long overdue equal rights for women, but unfortunately, in the process almost everything male was treated like evil or unnecessary, as though men’s needs and wants were automatically invalid. Romance was separated from consummation, and married men’s need for physically expressing their love is now often treated as “selfish”, or worse used as a bargaining chip to control some aspect of behavior their wife disapproves.
This was also the time that families went from extended to nuclear with only parents and children in the house, isolating young mothers from the help of mothers and sisters and others..
For women, intimacy starts with conversation, so husbands have to realize that making love is more than consummation. The dance of courtship is what we tend to call “romance”. Even in nature mating is a complex process of symbols, sounds, stimulus and reactions. Husbands must remember to begin the dance with symbols complements and conversation (dinner or lunch), but wives should understand that the dance of courtship doesn’t end with them feeling loved and appreciated, for when it doesn’t continue until the man feels loved and appreciated he will feel cheated, aroused and let down, rejected.
You can read these lines and say, “women shouldn’t need all that talking” or “men are too physical”, and fail to meet your spouse’s needs or you can enjoy one another as something different, feel better about one another, have more support of one another, and even be more tolerant of one another small imperfections. Invest enough time and attention to your spouse’s emotional and physical needs. That is what marriage means. Just remember, the children are going to grow up and leave you two together, or will you be able to stand the emptiness if your neglected partner is gone?
Wait For the Light
We don’t fuss in the dark anymore. Now we just wait for the light.
Boo and I used to waste a lot of time and energy arguing, and too often arguing about things that might not even happen, or things that would be best determined when the actual circumstances were known, or things that would be settled once some additional information came our way. Now it seems crazy, but we even used to get upset and angry about some stuff, and unfortunately often it was impossible to know the truth or make a choice at the time.
It took me a while, but I’ve learned how to make my point and walk away when Boo and I disagree about something. I no longer argue. That’s right, whenever I say or do something and my life partner disagrees, I just let her disagree, and move on to something else. We just wait for the light, because disagreements between sane intelligent human beings are almost always the result of us having conflicting information and/or a different perspective.
In our first house, after a previous storm and flood my Boo and I argued about kitchen cabinets, my end worried about the budget, and Boo needed a certain quality and style. Well when it came time to actually buy cabinets, we bought the higher quality cabinets, but bought ceramic tile on sale. In other words, once I knew where the money was coming from, we had no argument, but I only knew that after we bought the tile. All our arguing was wasted time and energy, and possibly missed some lovin’.
This no arguing behavior eliminates much of the unpleasant time in our marriage, and we both still get the opportunity to express ourselves, and we communicate, but a difference of opinions is just that, a difference of opinions and until a situation illuminates us or new information supports or refutes one of our positions, we’ll tend to hold and guard our opinion, a fact that made our old debates just as useless as they were frustrating.
There are times when I “know” I am speaking truth, but because my wife doesn’t read what I read or observe and study the things I observe and study, she may not believe me, particularly because I have been know to deduce something and say it like it’s a fact. So my wife has good reason to question my utterances, and she does. I just had to learn to not feel badly when she challenges what I say, or waste time in argument, because I know she needs more “proof” then just me saying something.
Now don’t get me wrong, I never (hardly ever) lie on purpose, but I will put an intelligent guess out there as fact, sometimes to discover that I lied by accident. My good woman has caught me “theorizing” on several occasions over the years, so I can’t get upset when I speak gospel and she doesn’t bite.
This hasn’t come easily. I love to debate. To me debating is the sport of active minds, and I will engage at the drop of a hat, but I had to stop doing so with my lover, partner and wife, because it creates a competitive spirit rather than cooperative energy.
Almost as soon as I decided to disengage from arguments, I noticed a difference in the way we both dealt with our disagreements. We became more thoughtful, but instead of thinking about what to say next to “prove” our point, we both became more thoughtful about the other person’s point of view or idea. It was as if allowing one another the space to think something different made us more respectful of one another’s opinions, and our right to have a different view.
Sometimes when we disagree about something, I even find myself trying to figure out why Boo thinks or feels the way she does, almost creating arguments for her opinion in my own mind. What a switch and so much better for our marriage than trying to prove I’m right. When I know I’m right we may avoid the anger and frustration, but there’s still a thrill of victory when new light reveals that I was correct but I don’t feel half as dumb, when the glare of truth shows I was in error. (At least I didn’t make such a grand and loud fool of myself in the process of being wrong.)
When we have to agree its usually a decision that affects both of us, so rather than argue we find its better to negotiate, to make a choice that we are both willing to support or tolerate. Its funny though, because now after experiencing how peaceful life is when we aren’t trying to force our way of thinking on one another sometimes one or neither one of us cares one way or another, accepting that what the other chooses or decides will be fine, the ultimate expression of respect and trust.
And I guess that is the whole point, finally accepting that your partner, in any situation, when confronted with all the facts is intelligent and will be thoughtful enough to make reasonable choices that consider both your interest… except perhaps when it comes to the remote for the big screen TV. Everybody knows that HD and surround sound is wasted on all those girly movies!
Forgot How To Have Fun?
One of the things I missed most after Katrina was the music, but lately, I’ve been getting my fill, and then some. Lately the performances I’ve absorbed have been over the top. Perhaps the performers also missed playing for people they knew, or maybe we all just missed Sweet Lorraine’s.
Fun is a major part of a great relationship. The ability to have a good time in the same place at the same time gives the later years of marriage a wonderful flow. For Boo and me, in addition to a shared appreciation for good company we share the sensual pleasures of delicious food and great music and are a bit adventurous about both. Even when we travel the fun is about those shared pleasures and of course the ongoing courtship that really keeps life interesting..
What’s really funny is that, we differ on almost everything else, but we can always have a good time if there is great music, delicious food, good company or any combination thereof.
I’m sort of a “geek”. I love people, but if left unattended, I can spend days at the computer writing, tweaking the machine, editing video, or photoshopping someone’s portrait perfect.
On the other hand, Boo would rather be out in the hot sun, preferably on a perfect beach but routinely fussing with our stuff, or playing with the grandchildren, and more recently reading (outdoors on the swing). That’s probably what we like about cruising and have begun to enjoy the “at sea” days more. I sleep late have lunch and take an afternoon nap while Boo explores every inch of the ship, walks her laps briskly, and goes swimming. I meet her at the pool as the sun goes down, we get dressed up for dinner, a show and dancing and hanging out and stuff.
I also figured out that being a geek all the time leads to a lonely life, so I come out of my cave with a vengeance every day and since the children are grown, and business is good, “we be jammin”. Our kids say we are “balling out of control”, and that brings me back to Sweet Lorraine’s.
A good part of that “ballin” happens at Sweet Lorraine's, because it’s as intimate as it gets. Paul has taken the “hole in the wall” to world class. Same feel. It’s a “everybody knows your name” kind of place, especially if you tip well, and treat servers with respect. (And if you don’t why would anyone want to remember your name?). You can also get delicious food at very reasonable prices, and you get to hang out with nice people and people of note (Oliver Thomas was in the house last night), but let me get back to the music.
Angela Bell was awesome last night. Lately, every time we’ve seen the woman at the club, Boo and I have been completely blown away, but I also believe Angela was blown away. The relationship between performers and audience (which included some brothers in law) was part of the show. Angela had sweat her hair our in the first set.
Now let me tell you about second sets at Sweet Lorraine’s. When the audience hangs (as it did last night) the musicians show their appreciation, often with performances on a whole different level with anything that could have been rehearsed because they had never played it before.
Last week we caught Marlon Jordan, whose trumpet was on fire. Marlon is an intense virtuoso whose music can be as complex and forceful as it is tonal and melodic at other times.
The week before that Gina Brown tore it down. Gina’s show is polished and well rehearsed, but a packed house at Sweet Lorraine’s drove her and the band crazy. The second set was something to behold as an uninhibited audience and a tight band did that Sweet Lorraine’s thing on one another.
I’m writing this because I had lost the music. I had become so business, so focused on “getting there” that frolicking around in my mind with rhythms and harmony was a forgotten pleasure as was feeling a common sense of time and space as everybody else in the room, in concert, if you will. Fortunately, its like riding a bike and about five or six years ago Boo and I just stopped in and the rest is a history that led to Boo and I rediscovering something else we shared as fun, live music. And no, Sweet Lorraine’s is not the only place we go, but dammit, Paul has created a “vibe”, something not easily described but once felt easily understood.
And speaking of “Vibe”, when Boo and I want to get our dance on, we check out Captain Charles, because “there ain’t no party like an old school party” and if its not on the positive he just doesn’t play it and somehow that seems to attract people who just want to have a good time, and dance, a safer party. Yes, we try to dance at least once a week. Sometimes that’s the only exercise I get, and while I love live music, for dancing I like the mix because it keeps coming, and I can sing along without missing and messing up a great live performance.
We usually rest on Sundays… so its time for my nap. We were out late last night, Two hours of Angela Bell will wear you out! Life is good. You know as well as I that there’s no tired that feels as good as when you are tired from having fun!
Xmas Gifts of Cash
They may call me “love doctor”, but that doesn’t mean that I’m sentimental, and anyone who doesn’t understand that Xmas shopping is the biggest retail hustle in America is either in shopping denial, was just born, or is brain damaged or extremely stupid.
Like cattle driven to slaughter, each year we are driven by guilt, misplaced love, habit or compulsion to spend our hard earned dollars or over extended credit on stuff that may or may not be appreciated by those for whom we bought it. If the gifts I have received over the years are an indicator of the usefulness of Xmas gifts, I would have to estimate that roughly half of the money spent on Xmas gifts is wasted, because the gifts are never used or returned. We’ll get back to that “returned” thing later.
No I’m not a “Scrooge”, but it really is about money, so I prefer to and we have a family culture of giving cash to young people on Christmas Day, and I’ll get back to that timing later.
We spend money like it is undesirable, and it is completely understandable, because most of us are convinced that self esteem and happiness can be bought because those are the constant messages we receive as we spend hours each day exposing ourselves to television commercials designed by experts to influence us in ways that make us feel like we “need” and will be more respected, desirable, and happier if we buy what advertisers are selling.
The truth be told, nothing provides self esteem, peace and happiness like money in the bank, but that is something many Americans will never experienced because we believe that happiness comes from converting money into stuff that has less or no value once we buy it, and all the messages we receive in the media from Big Business contain the lie, “that to buy is to be happy”, whereas the truth is “to buy turns your wealth into ours and that is why we spend billions to pay for TV shows that keep you connected to our commercials, that keep you believing that your life will be better once you buy what we sell”.
As black Americans we are as caught up or worse. Because so many of us suffer from low self esteem (no daddy love) we yearn even more for respectability and desperately spend or sometimes meager funds on the most expensive stuff available. Its often said that when America catches a cold we get pneumonia. If the rest of America overextends for Xmas shopping, sometimes we act like there is no tomorrow, and that brings me back to timing.
Giving cash at Xmas time gets more “gift value” for the dollar than buying stuff for other people. First, a cash gift will get 100% use rather than the 50% of bought gifts that were never wanted and never used, so giving cash ensures that you don’t waste your hard earned dollars on stuff that will just collect dust or get given to the mission in a few years. Secondly giving cash on Christmas day means that the recipients get to buy what they want at after Xmas, sale prices, rather than full retain, sometimes they can get twice as much of exactly what they like or want and it always fits.
I minimize my exposure to commercial television and have come to assume that when it is on or when I pick up a magazine or catalogue (or web page) that everything I am looking at is designed to make me feel like converting my wealth into their wealth will somehow improve my life.
I’ve also learned that the greatest misery and stress in life comes from wanting stuff you don’t have instead of appreciating what you do, and that everyone I know who is happy with life is happy with themselves, their relationships, what they do and how well they do it.
I really must be more careful because Big Business is watching, and if too many of you begin to think about the things I’ve put here, you might ruin this shopping season by giving cash instead of buying unused gifts and then having the recipients pay after Xmas prices instead of retail. And if you impact the Xmas season, I’m sure homeland security will have to look into it as a threat to our economy (national security), and how teaching people to think and save money is “thought crime”.
Actually, I’m going to admit that as a family we agreed to stop swapping gifts among siblings and spouses, and we all give cash to the kids, so now I know the “thought police” are coming!
Be even more subversive, become a revolutionary by starting a savings account and keeping some of your wealth for yourself, and vow to never pay full retail price again. Remember, in a capitalistic world there is nothing worse than being broke. Broke people can’t get sick, talk back to their boss, pass up overtime, deal with emergencies or enjoy five days of Jazz Fest and still pay the house note on time. Life is doing stuff, not having stuff.
Copyright 2009, 2010 by Lloyd Dennis